3 reasons I don't {want to} have it all together.

It's been this looming feeling I've had for the last couple of months.  "How am I going to keep it together with 2 kids??"  I have to say, it took me a minute to pull it together after Henry was born, but we got into a groove and life runs pretty smoothly these days.  I mean, there is 1 of him and 1 of me--how bad can it get, right?  But 2?? That's double the discipline (one day), double the bodily fluids, and double the DNA!  Who knows what that could look like!

"How will I keep it all together with 2 kids?"

Yes, yes, Michelle Duggar, you make 19 (or is it 20?) look like a breeze, but to those of us who God has only allotted the normal amount of patience and softness in our voice, 2 kids CAN be a daunting thought!

And here it is: I won't keep it together. Furthermore, I realized I don't want to. For 3 reasons.

1.  No one likes that mom/woman who has it all together!!  She is the untouchable one who no one wants to be friends with because she would constantly make anyone feel like a lesser mom and human being.  Am I wrong? Maybe it's just me who doesn't want to be friends with that woman...and if I am, I apologize.  But do you know what? I have actually been that woman (or tried to be her) on several occasions.  On that day when I got my workout in, and even ate healthy, showered, had a good hair day and my child was in his cute outfit and behaving well--I was her! And I kinda liked that other woman might look at me for a moment and think, "If only I could have it all together like her!"  Why would I ever want anyone to think that of me, when the reality is my husband and I fought about something the night before, and the baseboards in my house haven't been touched, well, ever.  In other words--I SO do not have it all together.  We women want to have beautiful relationships with each other, but we distance ourselves from others by seeming superior in many different areas of life.  I would personally like to be more conscious of that in my relationships with other women.

2.  It's all just an illusion.  As I said above, the days when I look like I have it together, it's likely I really don't.  I have convinced myself I do, but If I am honest with myself, I most certainly don't.  And that's ok, isn't it?  I don't believe I am supposed to.  If I went on a quest to truly have it all together, I would most certainly drive myself insane, as every single facet of my life: my marriage, my parenting, my home, my friendships, my faith, my physical body would have to be precariously balanced at all times.
Blogging might just be the worst vehicle for keeping that illusion alive, by the way.  Because through it, you can see snapshots of my life that seem perfect and beautiful, as if all is well in my world all the time.  And frankly, I need to be reminded to show all sides of it, not just the pretty stuff.
Either way, I want to be more conscious of the fact that even if the day to day seems great, I do not now, nor will I ever, have it all together.

3.  The times when I don't have it all together bring me closer to the One who actually does.  Amen??  Why would I even want to entertain the illusion of togetherness when God promises me He does have it all together, and if I can just get to a place where I am dependent on Him, He will provide me with opportunity to love others in the midst of their chaos and lack of togetherness!  I am humbled by the fact that God actually does see the corners of my life (and house) that need attention, yet loves me just the same.  He sees my flaws as a wife and mother, yet has entrusted me with an amazing (and patient) husband, and nearly 2 children. He actually thinks I can care for these precious people and not mess it up! But here's the rub--I only have to surrender to him each day.  HA! So easy, right? Because, funny thing, I thought I did that this morning.  But by 10 AM I had already lost my patience, and cared about my own selfish desires more than others'. So maybe it's surrendering every couple hours? Every couple minutes? Constantly?  I'm pretty sure it's the latter.  And maybe one day it will become second nature to surrender.

I am well aware that this post is cliche, and that a million women have blogged/written/spoken about this very subject in similar ways.  This is just something I needed to say (to my hoards of followers:)) to affirm in my own life.  As I embark upon this journey of being a mother to children, may my goal never be to 'have it all together', but to learn to surrender to Him more completely, and in turn, be able to share with other mothers (who hopefully see that I don't have it all together) and women how God has given me freedom in resting in His grace and holiness when I lack what I think it takes to be the perfect wife/mother/daughter/sister/friend.

Hope this encourages you today. Thanks for reading.

**Disclaimer: This post written while my 1 child has been sick upwards of 8 days, is currently puking frequently; also written with possible puke in my hair and 7 months pregnant.  I am realizing how un-shocking it is that the above thoughts were on my mind:)

it's (definitely) not about the stuff.

Well, 2013 has arrived.  And as with every other odd-numbered year, it leaves me unsettled, but I might as well embrace it--it's here for another 355 days I believe.  And it can't be such a bad year, considering it will bring us a beautiful baby girl in no less than 3 months! I can't believe it!
Let's not get ahead of ourselves, though.  There was Christmas, and New Years, a couple birthdays, and lots of good family, food and fellowship time since I last posted! Since that's all way too much for you people to read through, I'll give you the highlights:

-I turned 28. Woohoo. That is all.

-We did several of our Advent activities that I mentioned in my last post! Here is some photo proof! I would love to do it again next year with even more zeal!

1. Making 'cookies' together.  It ended up being peppermint bark, and it was delicious!!

2. Going through the Nativity story with Henry.  It was a precious few moments that I loved.

 3. Union station to look at the trees and choo choos. Little man was in heaven!

 4. Hot chocolate bar/Christmas movie night with friends! (We watched Home Alone)

5. Church Christmas concert. Bad pic, but adorable-ness abounds.  Can't wait until Henry gets to join!

-We had such a fun little family Christmas here.  Drove around looking at lights, fun Christmas meal at home, Jer and I stuffing Henry's stocking together....it was perfection.  Henry got a play kitchen that Jer and I labored over for many weekends and nights.  I loved that part of it enough that I want to do a DIY gift for him every Christmas henceforth!  Though I'm not sure what good ole' mom and dad could create at the age of 16 that would impress our super cool teenager (a car? a cell phone?)....but I'm hoping we can keep it running awhile!

-We headed to Arkansas to see extended family that included laughing, food, hilarious gift opening, and apparently cookies for breakfast for Henry:). A great time was had by all!

-Then to our house we went for Christmas with my family.  Henry and his cousin Kya actually had fun together this Christmas, which was great to watch.  And as always, I start sobbing when I think of how fun it is to see the ones I love love on my child like they do.  Can I get an Amen??  We also get to add a new member to our family because my little brother and his girlfriend got engaged! Here are the girlies in their matching PJ's!

-Then there was a little working, relaxing, and healthy-ish eating, and then off to Omaha we went to see Jer's family for New Years and Henry's Birthday!  I made a cake.  I am both embarrassed and proud of it.  Given the heat that Elmo's been under lately, he was lucky to grace this cake.  But, being the somewhat questionable mother I am, I encouraged my child to embrace Elmo regardless of what he's done to teenage boys in the past! Here it is!

He also received a bike from mom and dad and the giant piano from Big from Grandad and Mermer, among other things.  The kid needs no gifts until 2014.

-Grandad Smith broke his ankle before Christmas, so he was stuck in his chair most of the time, but was a great sport with all of the little ones running like crazy around the house and a good time was had by all!!  Jer's parents even graciously kept 3 little ones on NYE so the parents could GET WILD!!!! This apparently meant going for appetizers and drinks (cranberry juice and Sprite for those with child) until 10:45 so we could all come back and fall asleep on floors and couches before midnight--did you hear me say WILD???

-Let's revisit Henry's birthday, though. My child is 2.  He is a little person.  He is cute. He talks in somewhat full sentences.  He is tender-hearted.  He is inquisitive.  He knows that there will be a baby and that he is a brother.  I only have a few more months with just he and I at home during the week.  I know every mom worries about loving baby #2 as much as #1, but I don't.  I do, however, worry about not being able to give as much time and attention to Henry as I do now.  I know that I won't have the patience or ability to let him carry the toilet paper up the driveway, even when it takes 8 minutes, just because he wants to help.  I will need to get inside because the baby needs to eat or is bawling or I've just had a long day. I hate the thought that I will be spread thinner and thus not as patient of a mommy as I am able to be now.  Will that damage him? What will I miss when I'm in a hurry because of another baby? It's hard to think of it without tearing up, because I want to be the perfect mom to him and also a perfect mom to our baby girl, who will no doubt get less attention than Henry did as an infant.  But God is gracious, right? He will give me what I need and fill in the gaps in my parenting with grace and a perfect love for my child, right?? I'm counting on it. 

-I don't want to leave you with the depths of my mommy concerns, so I'll leave you with some more ideas for baby girl!  The nursery is a work in progress....but no pics yet! Did I tell you she has a name? Ummmm, no, I'm not going to tell you.  But she has a name! Woohoo!!  For now, just look at all the cuteness that abounds when another XX chromosome-r enters our world!

Ordered this baby turban from Etsy! Can't wait!!

Such fun inspiration for little sister/big brother photos!

 Simple paint job to repurpose and old fan from DIY Maven!

Baby Toms- need I say more?

It's been fun revisiting the holidays through the written word.  Makes me realize how blessed we are to have people we love in our lives that span a pretty great distance.  More than anything I am grateful for God's provision in our lives, tangible and intangible.  He is faithful even in the midst of messes--I am learning that more and more as I live this life.  Love to you all in the beginning of this New Year!