i'm a glutton for punishment

Call me Morbid Megan, call me Negative Nancy, call me Debbie Downer, whatevs. I can take it.  This blog is going to be all about dying children and babies and if you don't want to read it......don't. It's the worst kind of thing that happens in this world and no one takes pleasure from reading it.  Here's my schtick though.  It happens, so why don't we want to see the good that can come from it? We want to just call it heinous and horrid and be done with it.

A sweet, adorable couple is pregnant with their first. Only they find out he won't be healthy part way through the pregnancy.  They decide to carry him to term and pray for a miracle.
adventureswithasher.com

An adorable, joy-filled, redheaded boy who is the only child of his doting parents, follows a firsbee into the street at the wrong moment and goes to meet Jesus.
https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/redballoonsforryan

A God-fearing, intentionally parenting couple with twin 5 year old boys, a sweet 2 year old girl, and another on the way, find out one of their twins has a brain tumor that is rarely seen in children and is so fast growing that it takes sweet Ben's life in mere months.
http://bensauer.blogspot.com/

I have literally been pouring over these events over the last few weeks. I feel mildly addicted to these types of things lately.  I wasn't sure why until I talked to my husband, who understandably cannot fathom why I do this to myself.

It goes something like this:
J: "I hate reading this stuff. It just worries me for what could happen to our kids."
M: "I know. It's kind of ridiculous...but I can't help it!"
J: "So stop reading it!"
M: "Somehow it gives me perspective as a Mom. And I really need that some days."

The conversation goes on, but what I realized in hashing that out is that I am so human.  I'm prone to letting my kids drive me batty. And wish for a day to myself.  And get jealous of single people. It's UN-ATT-RAC-TIVE.  I have been given this life. These kids. And shall we not forget I wanted it all?? And now I have the audacity to wish it away when I'm at my end? What I have seen in these stories is that it could certainly all be taken away.  And we all know I would want it back in a heartbeat.  The messes, the sleepless nights.  All. The. Noise.  Even the whining and pooping.

What blows my mind is that the stories above have shown me people are praising Jesus in the midst of the mess.  They are trusting in a God who has never failed them yet, and isn't even failing them now, when babies are being taken away and getting sick.

Of course I would claim to do the same thing given the 'hypothetical' scenario of any of the above.  But would I, really? I think it's an important question to ask.  Do I really have patience and love for my family, knowing it could all be over in an instant? Would I trust that God's plan really is perfect and He wasn't asleep at the wheel when my son was taken from me?  I won't tell you my answer.  Ok, I will.  First I would be devastated. Then I'd be pissed. Then I'd sob for days and tell you all the regrets I have over how much I wish I'd loved better/nagged less/taken more time.  It wouldn't be pretty folks.  My heart wants to believe I'd come back to my Savior who never fails and never falls asleep at the (very important) wheel.  What I can tell you, is that these stories that make us all a little sick, sad, guilty feeling have a lesson for us all.

First, I think it's about a Jesus who loves us with a love that's transcendent.  We literally can't fathom how He loves us.  It can change people and hearts and make us feel whole.  It also is absolutely the kind that doesn't carelessly toss aside babies for no reason.  Next, it's about a life that's meant to be lived with perspective on the eternal.  These kids aren't ours to keep.  They are ours to love, care for, and point to Him in everything we do.  I cannot tell you how easy it is to lose that perspective on the daily.  My human nature needs to be reminded that these things happen on this side of heaven.  I am grateful for these stories and these examples of women/men who live out the Jesus of it all when life gets messy.

If you made it through, thanks for reading. I hope this can give you perspective on your situation and on a God who never fails.

John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."